someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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