This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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