I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I have post one night stand depression
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