If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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