so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
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He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
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Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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