I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
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I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
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These people don't understand my stages of drunk
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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