No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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