I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
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Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
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No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
there is glitter all over my balls
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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