So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize