I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
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I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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