So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
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On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
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I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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