if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex on a dog bed..
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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