did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
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i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
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I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize