Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
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HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
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I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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