I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
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And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
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I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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