Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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