you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
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He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
where are my eyebrows?
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