im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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