I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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