think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
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Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
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Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
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