im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize