You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize