i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
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Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
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He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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