Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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