Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
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The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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