I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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