Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
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OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
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