My sheets look like a crime scene.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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