Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize