Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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