I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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