I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
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Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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