headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
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I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
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I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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