I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
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the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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