last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
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I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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