I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
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I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
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I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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