Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
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I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
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The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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