Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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