I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
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I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
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Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
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