The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
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This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
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I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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