Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
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She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
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I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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