well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
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I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
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Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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