dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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