And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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