Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
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