i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
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