Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize