help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
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thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
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I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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