sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
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Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
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I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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