mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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